Turn and face the strange
There comes a moment in a man’s life when everything he worked so hard to achieve suddenly begins to feel foreign to him.
When this happens, our instinct is to stuff the feelings away. Wait for it to pass. And, for God’s sake, don’t talk about it–to anyone!
Yet, these feelings, these questions, this unrelenting internal uneasiness, are a normal and, yes, necessary, process in our growth.
It is essential to our mental health and well-being that we embrace the restless aching for something more. Something different. Something better.
The nagging question, as Jungian psychoanalyst, James Hollis, frames it…
“Who am I?”
None of us expect this to happen. No one warns us about it. We’d gladly skip right past it – if it were only that easy.
It just isn’t that easy.
Think of it…
We spend the first good chunk of our adulthood striving to create a sense of achievement and belonging in the world.
During this phase of life, every day we wake and every choice we make is devoted to defining our identity.
We strive for titles, whether granted by the positions we achieve, or garnered from the reputations we seek to build.
He’s a “hard worker,” high achiever,” “good guy,” “dedicated father,” “family man,” “brilliant dude”...
All admirable traits to be proud of, certainly.
Seeking status and title is how we gauge our internal GPS on whether our efforts are leading us in the right direction.
However, our desire for identity hurls us towards a cliff when the inevitable questions creep up, and we find ourselves wondering…
“Is this it?”
“Is it just me?”
“What’s next?”
Thing of it is… you won’t see this coming.
If you’ve yet to arrive at this moment it’s easy to dismiss this crisis of identity as something that happens to “other people.”
Not you.
You are stable, solid, steady. Your needs and desires simple enough to understand. You’ve done well, so don’t fuck with it.
The cliche of the “midlife crisis” is that it happens to men who are either too weak to hold true to their promises, or too “in their heads” to muscle through a period of discontent.
We snicker behind the backs of men who express a desire for a new identity instead of asking them about what they are experiencing.
Women tell each other everything they are feeling, while men are trained to hide their feelings.
Admitting that you “don’t know what you’re going through” shows weakness–especially in business.
The message many men in this phase receive, even from themselves, is:
“Quit being a bitch!’
No wonder the highest rate of suicide among men occurs between the ages of 45-64.
Joe and I were inspired to have open discussions on this topic from our own experiences in the middle phase of life.
We became friends after talking at a local meetup of digital marketing pros, a field in which we have both gained solid reputations for success.
Joe is 42 with a teenage son from a previous relationship and soon to welcome a second child with his wife of 7 years.
I’m 54 and have two freshly adult children from a marriage of 24 years.
We’re in different places in life, experiencing the middle in unique ways.
Joe saved me from feeling that I might be losing my mind over breakfast one morning when he, somewhat casually, recommended the book, The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by the aforementioned, James Hollis.
Dr. Hollis’s teachings shook me to the core with their deep understanding of exactly what I’d been feeling, but could not identify.
During our next breakfast I thanked Joe for recommending the book. He said, “I wanted you to know you’re not going crazy, bro.”
Since then Joe and I have had a number of private conversations with men experiencing the Middle Passage, and asking the same questions we found ourselves wrestling with in their own ways.
Always with the admission, “I don’t even know how to begin talking about this.”
Acknowledging this strange restlessness, and simply having a person you trust to talk about it with, is our simple mission for the show.
We are not experts in anything other than caring about the friends we have, and have yet to make, who need to know they are not going crazy.
So, if you’re in the middle right now… quietly processing, or attempting to bury… the feelings around your identity, your role in the world, and your path forward…
Know that you are not alone.
It’s exactly where you are supposed to be, and your internal dialogue around it is not a weakness–it’s a gift.
A strange gift. One you didn’t ask for. But a gift all the same.
Let’s face it together so we can come away stronger.
Kevin
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So much juicy material to digest here Kevin--I want to read this book. Looking forward to the conversations you guys start with this!
The struggle is real and it’s good to know other men are dealing with the same issues. I feel like I’m sitting at the table with Kevin & Joe talking about this stuff. It’s the conversation that’s needed amongst men in the world today.