Morning Would (Why did you leave me?)
The first sign that you are entering the Middle Passage?
I believe it shows up in different ways for different people, based on their circumstances, beliefs, and conditioning.
For me, it was wrapped up in my motivation – or lack thereof.
Soon after turning fifty, I felt a consistently waning motivation for familiar things, like engaging socially, competing in games, and the biggest one: the motivation to impress anyone.
Around that time, I had done some digging into Enneagram types and discovered I was a Type 9 with a strong Type 3 wing.
Enneagram 9 is “The Peacekeeper,” which made sense. I strive for harmony in life and relationships. I’m the first to apologize when I mess up, and I welcome difficult conversations when needed, all in pursuit of restoring harmony.
Got it.
That Type 3, though – “The Achiever” – got my attention even more because of my nagging loss of motivation for things I'd once found so rewarding.
This was back before I’d met Joe and discovered the teachings of James Hollis. Through the Enneagram, I realized that my primary motivation in life was to feel validated by the approval of others.
Damn. Sounds pretty pathetic.
But there was no denying it. I could easily trace every achievement in my first adulthood (as Hollis refers) to the person I was looking to impress for a fresh spike of “Vitamin V.”
Going back to my first jobs, my career in stand-up comedy, my career in freelance copywriting, and growing my business... I can name the person whose approval I was seeking at every level of success.
It’s not that I was unconscious of this motivation. I actually embraced it and used it as a guide later in my business life. For instance, if I was compelled to join a mastermind group (typically at a cost above $30k), my single criterion for joining was an unbridled desire to become the group leader’s “number one case study.”
Meaning, I would show up to their guidance and implement it so well that the “guru” leading the group would have to redefine what it meant to “crush it” through their methods.
Lots of problems with this kind of motivation.
First, it is a false reward. Because, in reality (as Joe often points out), it is not “overnight success” that wins the best prize; it’s a consistent dedication to the work.
It’s also unrealistic because being the “best” at something is subjective.
Worse, any validation I did achieve meant an immediate need to find my next beacon of validation and start all over. Codependence personified.
Now, consider the impossible task this motivation for validation placed on my marriage and relationships. My wife of 20+ years had long tired of the need to make me feel proud. Who wouldn’t?
Yet, I saw her lackluster enthusiasm for my latest “kill” as detachment and unappreciation. “Can’t you see I’m doing all this for US?” was a familiar refrain.
I remember clearly what I said to the Enneagram therapist when this realization behind my motivation for validation hit me:
“Shit. I’m glad I didn’t know this back then,” I told him. “Because it worked.”
I had very little regret over the discovery. Hell, I was innocent in my “hidden” motivation. And without it, I may not have achieved all I had.
Plus, if “inner peace” had been my single goal in the first adulthood, I’d’ve been content living in tents and following remnants of The Grateful Dead around the country.
(Not knocking it. But I need walls, and a roof, and… soap.)
Thing of it is… I wasn’t struck by this revelation. Instead, it brought to blinding light why my motivation was suffering.
It was suddenly clear that I had outgrown the need for validation at the hands of others.
“So, now what?” I asked the therapist.
“Remove all expectations for what lies ahead,” he said.
“But… but… I could lose my business,” I pleaded.
“And…” He replied, “That might be the best thing.”
Shit, man.
So, there it is...
The first sign for me was realizing that if I wanted to shed what Hollis later helped me understand as the “roles and identities”… the ones I had sought so fiercely my entire life…
I’d have to let go of them. Completely.
As I’ve said before: no one asks for this. We’d skip right past it if we could. We’ll keep waiting for it to pass.
It doesn’t.
It’s a battle you must engage fully to have any chance of transitioning into the second adulthood.
Extra difficult is the fact that… Most life challenges are thrust upon us from outside forces.
We step up to those and learn important things about ourselves in the process.
This one, though? This is an internal battle. Not a skin rash others can see and suggest a good salve to cure it.
Most men will fight these feelings in silence or brush them off to deal with later. I certainly did, for as long as I could.
Holding on to what we’ve gained is a far greater motivation than creating change. Yet, we create little changes: new toys, better clothes, cooler friends... to distract us from the deeper battle.
A shiny new ride is a fun way to outrun the inevitable. But the road only goes so far. And wherever it ends, there you will be.
So, if your Morning Would is shriveling, forget the metaphorical pills and porn.
You don’t need a bigger dick, just better questions.
Kevin
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