How to be alone in public
My therapist kept insisting I start a gratitude journal.
“Jesus,” I thought. “That is about the most standard advice you can get.”
But, then I realized there must be a reason for that.
Could it actually… help?
So, I did it.
His instructions were, “Three things you are grateful for. Just a line or two. And three things you want to change.”
Gratitude was easy. There are blessings all around; people, moments, abilities.
Three things to change… hmm.
I had just made the biggest change of my entire life in separating from my wife. It was excruciating. “Can I get a fuckin’ minute here?” I would think as I struggled to list something new.
The thing about doing simple tasks that stimulate change is to do them consistently. So, with no big expectation for the outcome, I did the task each morning.
The one “to change” item that cropped up almost daily was:
“Get outta the house.”
Back then, days would go by when I realized I hadn’t left the house – at all.
Not healthy. You gotta get some fresh air, and stimulate a fresh perspective by changing up the scenery.
By putting this need in front of myself each morning, it became a passive priority, and soon I was “forcing myself” to get out.
I came to understand that, as much as I enjoy being alone, being alone in public requires new routines.
In restaurants, for instance, instead of getting a table for one, eat at the bar. There’s a social scene built in, even if it’s just small talk with the barkeep.
Then you learn to pick spots for chatting with the other patrons at the bar. There’s an unspoken rule at the bar; conversation is welcomed, but don’t make it weird.
Often the other person or people will say hello first. Based on your response, you can open up for more, or shut it down quickly. All depends on your mood and level of interest in the conversation.
I’m interested in almost everybody, so I’m usually up for a chat. And there’s a built in stop time, so you can go deep if you want without the risk of it going “too deep.”
If you’re an introvert like me, the easy fix for casual conversation with a stranger is to ask good questions.
Start with the small stuff; “Where are you from originally?”
Then ask something more consequential, “What made you decide to leave there?”
People are lonely, especially later in life. And the people around them know all their life facts and stories, so they tend to stop sharing them.
But, if you’re genuinely curious about someone’s life and the reasons behind the choices they’ve made, they will sing like a hungry bird and thank you for the conversation. Even if all you did was ask questions and show interest in the stories.
There are really only three types of conversations people have; ones where they want to be helped, heard, or hugged.
Most people, especially in casually spontaneous conversations, just want to be heard.
So, all you have to do is ask, and listen.
No agenda other than breaking up your day and re-engaging your syntax so that being alone feels less lonely.
Pretty magical, really.
If you’re feeling isolated, give it a shot.
Kevin
For more, go check out the Man in the Middle Show YouTube Channel & Podcast!
I am grateful for this moment of reading this morning...
Made me think.